FINALLY, a decent night’s sleep.
I’d like to spend less time awake, but you can’t have everything ^^
What this week has taught me is that if I want to finally shift the tummy fat, I should be running on an incline. There’s a long way to go in terms of mental toughness, and some harsh questions still need to be asked around my body image. I’ve also admitted that eating well is a far better way of dealing with trauma than binge or fast, which is the lazy way of admitting there’s a problem.
I’m back on shakes for breakfast, which reminds me, I need to order more Huel.
I would walk to the gym but it’s raining, and the forecast says this is the plan all day. Normally that would annoy the hell out of me but after the last couple of days it can rain all it wants and that’s absolutely fine. In fact, it’s a perfect day to drive first to exercise and then to shop. After that, we’ll organise what exactly gets done this weekend and hopefully knock off some more novel…
Oh and at some point, I’ll have a proper conversation about exactly how dieting and weight loss has sculpted a portion of my last decade…
The first brace of Southend poems are out in the wild. I’ll add a bunch more over the weekend, but there needs to be some additional photography done in the week to bring parts of the presentation on my side up to standard. My notional deadline is Wednesday to be done, allowing me four days to gear up for July and get a couple of things submitted for end of month deadlines.
Next month’s already looking packed. I’ll cope. For the first time in what is probably forever, the prospect of doing things is not phasing me. I am ready. It was tough yesterday though, fighting physical fatigue, getting all the poems up and ready. This is a different, uniquely different kind of stress that I’ve not previously experienced. Once upon a time I’d have just said ‘fuck it’ and not bothered.
A lot really has altered in six months.
Today, I have to make a poster: I have a vague idea of how it’s gonna play out, and what’s involved in it, so husband can print it: a bunch of A4 and A3 frames will then be made up to hand over to those individuals who have inspired me in Blaze class. Sometimes it isn’t about what you take from an experience that matters. More often than not, giving back is far more significant. I’m looking forward to reactions.
This is going to be a day of learning.
This morning all the people that were lost along the way are recalled, as if this were the end of a long and difficult battle. The people who I no longer wanted to know, for many reasons, because I could never be to them what they obviously wanted me to be. Those I cared for desperately, whose own lives were so much more important than our friendship. The people who just made me laugh and feel comfortable. You’re missed most of all.
So much has been sacrificed to get here.
Also, I know brains can’t exhale. Don’t @ me.
So, next up presumably is the period where all this just becomes normal and I finally head out into the world and make new friends, based on this change of outlook, and everything either fits or it doesn’t. Having a reasonable number of immediate worries effectively wiped out is also a decent start to the week, all told, so no real concerns in any department is a bonus. So, why am I not sleeping properly?
It’s all the fallout that’s not yet settled, possibilities that now rise as a result of these changes. There’s too much light in the bedroom and not enough ventilation, so that needs to be fixed. I should be doing at least an hour’s vigorous exercise. There are still things to fix. All of these things are undoubtedly true, but none of them can be immediately dealt with.
Instead, time to do what can be done.
An awful lot happened yesterday. So much more needs to be done today, so I’d better get on with it all. Therefore, you get today’s blog in bullet point form, thus:
- New area of exercise progress. Yes, I’m tired but not like it was before. Giving blood next week must not be allowed to derail this, so we’ll plan accordingly. Weekend of strong eating and careful exercise incoming.
- I have a major project to launch next week, AND I AM READY.
- There’s new long form fiction properly in progress now and it is joyous.
- Completely not fussed about Bond 25. That’s cool too, the obsession is broken for good. Now to focus that on stuff that can actually benefit my future and not go to waste.
Must crack on, then.
It is amazing how sometimes, saying stuff aloud can release a phenomenal amount of mental pressure. Undoubtedly yesterday was a bit of that, but became more significant as the day went on. What matters to you individually is undoubtedly largely irrelevant to everybody else, until it becomes apparent how much everybody else has touched you individually. I’ve been hugely influenced by my environment, and it shows.
It is high time I reassessed my priorities.
I suspect it is because of the trolling suffered online and the default of saying what I see that there’s been a reticence to fully engage with people over anything personal. That’s now going to change. It is high time I reclaimed the scorched earth. We’re gonna cover it with recycled items of clothing, never fitting properly before engaging mad bastid exercise mode. It’s not been mentioned yet: savings have been used to send me on a busman’s holiday in July, first time in nearly 20 years I’ve gone anywhere alone.
There is an awful lot to look forward too, no reason why the past needs to keep dragging present out of focus.
It’s accidentally the Easter holidays too: I’d assumed that the kids were off this Friday coming, and not the last one gone. It’s the first time for a couple of years a holiday start have caught me on the hop, which undoubtedly has a lot to do with the other things in play. No matter: suddenly I have two weeks (and a bit) in order to recover from the first bit of the year and get myself ready for the next bit.
Today, there’s tons to do. Let’s get started.
DAY 1: Let’s start the clock again. I had an Orange Club yesterday but, in my defence, there was a VERY good reason.
I wish the Blood people did a daytime session at the local church. Doing it during the day’s been a lot less difficult to cope with. Maybe it is because you’re fuelling over a longer period and not shifting straight into eight hours of kip. Perhaps this is just easier as body gets fitter. I will have to do some push ups tomorrow and schedule a bike ride after New Year’s Day nosh at my parents. It’ll be four days since anything was lifted, and that will never do.
As 2019 begins, I’d like to remind you why we’re here:
The epiphanies just keep on coming, and they’re all being written down, so that blog posts may spring forth from them. Remarkable progress has been made in the last 48 hours and although it is not exactly where I wanted to be, we are damn close. Give it a good push tomorrow, and there’s clear air for writing, and starting my cookery aspirations. I haven’t told you about that yet… Why else do you think the Instagram account was reactivated?
Happy New Year. <3
DAY 1: Whose bright idea was it to start a diet the week BEFORE Christmas?
The reasoning behind this is surprisingly sound: having digested the biometric scale data, it is clear what needs to happen. So, we begin by asking the question: how does this happen, and how do I manage to resist temptation? Well, that’s easy. You eat better, and just resist temptation.
Starting tomorrow, I have a shake for lunch for three weeks [*] because even the Guide says you shouldn’t go full on without body being allowed a chance to react and get comfortable. Then, we’ll see where we are. Next scheduled weigh in is Friday, January 4th, three weeks after the last one. Then we’ll go weekly, and shit gets real.
[*] No, not Christmas Day or probably Boxing Day either…