Making your Mind Up

I wrote a NaNoWriMo Novel in November, after nine years of false starts. Yesterday, I had a Zoom call with a friend who’s read it, and she’s urged me to enter it for a first novel contest whose deadline is this week. To be honest, there would not previously have been the confidence to do so. However, that call’s galvanised me into action and a week that was already quite busy has now become full-on as a result. Normally, adding onto an already packed diary would bother me, but now? It’s a challenge.

All of this becomes a stress test of ability.

Over the weekend I also finally finished two poetry submissions, and submitted something else that, again, I’d have never possessed the confidence to do previously. Thinking about what has changed between here and last year, very little actually has in terms of capability. However, belief is different, mostly I suspect because if it’s possible to do 500km in eight days, the strength is within to make these things happen when it matters. So, what is there to lose by pushing the extra mile.

I suppose there’s only one way to find out.

Having finally departed Instagram, this time for good, it still feels like the correct decision. After what happened in the US last week, and the undoubted contribution Facebook has made to general disinformation, there needs to be something done as principle. Therefore, I’ll be using Ko-Fi for pictures and art going forward, because it’s under my terms alone. Algorithms can do one: honestly, if it’s good enough in the end, where it happens won’t matter.

This is my future, and that’s all that matters.

Hello, Hello

This is the longest blog break here for a while. I’d like to explain why.

If all I had to do was be more organized, this would be easy. The fact remains there is a lot more to my evolutionary step this time than just writing more lists. I have a body to properly alter, rather than just the (often) token efforts that have been made thus far. Lockdown 2.0 came at a bad time for me. I refuse to lose my progress. Therefore, there’s a lot of hard work to do.

The NaNo has literally written itself. I have my next novel project organized, which is unheard of. Next week I need to look to start editing an existing work too. I’ve not done with poetry, far from it, but right now the storytelling matters more, so that is what I am focussing on. There have been domestic issues too, that have mattered more than being here or using this as routine. Right now, that is NaNo.

I won’t Shonk again this week, the audio’s now out of date, such is the speed that the world works, so we’ll sort it for next week instead. That’s a lot of the problem right now, I am not a fast mover, which is no more apparent than at present. However, with the benefit of a CRACKING night’s sleep… it is true that I need to work more physically to wear me out.

Let’s see if we can keep this up.

The Chain

We all know the World is on fire, and as a result it is important not to give too much thought to the superficial. Far bigger things matter more: people’s lives, their livelihoods, the long term futures of millions of people all hang in the balance. Therefore I tell this story here for one reason, and one alone. Today was the day when I realised I have what is needed to begin making a difference, and I will.

It began in the Gym. I can’t bear to look at myself for too long in the mirrors. I don’t do mirrors generally, it’s why looking at cameras in Zoom meetings makes me uncomfortable, why most of my video projects will be pictures and voice. It’s why makeup continues to be a non-starter. I just don’t feel at ease with myself on most days… except today. This was the day I looked at myself and was happy.

Months and months and months of hard work is finally beginning to make me look like the person I want to be. I know who they are, hidden inside. I don’t talk about them very often because that me is hugely fragile, and pretty scared. However, that was who I saw lifting weights today, pushing themselves on a cross trainer. The person inside is growing.

Then I helped some individuals with an idea they have over Zoom, and felt as if I was hugely useful. This is a brilliant, well-considered plan that, if it succeeds, could alter thousands of people’s lives for the better. It is exactly the kind of change I want to get behind, and it will provide comfort and support for those who need it. It’s going to be a pleasure to take part in the process.

All that I’ve ever wanted is to be worthwhile. Anonymous, but useful is my modus operandi. It looks as if some of my lifelong ideas may finally see the light of day and the feelings that is producing are new, interesting and very, very uncertain. I’m sharing them here because it is important for other people to know and understand that everybody is different. Changing need not be frightening, but undoubtedly is.

Sharing those feelings, as I can now attest, will make things easier.

Don’t Believe the Hype

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I arrive here having gotten very excited over an epic Swedish Sci-Fi poem, written in 1956. This will look, from the outside, like I’ve hit Peak Niche already this week, and although that would not be far off the truth, this makes me considerably more excited than, say, seeing that film with the lady who accidentally becomes a superhero.Β What this revelation grants is twofold: how I enjoy things has significantly altered over the years, plus what sparks enjoyment is now very closely linked to what I’m working on.

There’s also some significant revelations on the back of how other people deal with those who don’t like what they do. You know the type, they’re all over Social media at any given moment, ready to effectively suck the love and appreciation of anything you think might be even slightly enjoyable. The naysayers get to ruin a lot of fun, whether it be voting down film popularity or attacking people they find aberrant. It’s not just blokes either: both sexes have extremists. Everybody can be a thief of joy.

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It is particularly difficult when you get a week of celebrity loss, people who shaped your formative years in vastly differing ways (rest well Keith and Luke) to watch the twats of this World seize on your frailty. It’s taken a while, but this week has come an important realisation. Some people don’t feel emotions as physical pain.Β Some simply don’t grasp how emotionally and bodily exhausting certain tasks can be. They just do stuff, and feelings almost take place as a different experience.

One of my biggest problems with self-motivating exercise in the last couple of months has been just this: the mental energy exerted is almost equal to that thrown out physically, and to get through a session without support is, if I’m honest, a really hard ask… or at least it was until yesterday. We’ve cracked that particular nut, and if my quality of sleep is any indicator to how successful everything was, this was beyond a major triumph.

That means, if required, I can now do HIIT without a major issue. The next stage, of course, is to be able to better that 157 heart rate, because if I can we’re into the mythical red zone on my belt that, for large portions of the last few months, I’m not even sure has existed. This also improves vastly the level of proper, hard exercise that my body gets as opposed to a lot of grey zone wafting about. Harder work = better muscles, more fat loss, greater gains, GREAT JUSTICE.

Blaze Night One of Two (again) this week and time to see if I can release my brain from it’s restrictive shackles. That might involve a power nap at some point today, we will see. Whatever happens, I have an 80% threshold to improve on.

Having goals always helps in attainment.