Long Distance

How To Be a Male Ally




(or ‘Don’t do that Here’)

I have been incredibly lucky so far in my life. It needs to be said, and reiterated, that I am surrounded by some INCREDIBLY nurturing and supporting men who are not my husband. All of these individuals get how ‘IT’ works, when that relates to what is socially acceptable and, crucially what isn’t.

With my realist hat on, those people have largely cancelled out the men who don’t get it. Right now, however, there is an imbalance on one side of the equation that needs fixing. Stupidity is on the rise, and as a result it seems like the correct time to be re-writing out my personal rule set for interaction. Crucially, a number of my thoughts on this stuff have changed in light of Lockdown.

Therefore, this morning we present ‘How to be a Male Ally’, Pandemic Edition.

RULE 1:


Don’t be a

If you’ve never seen Fairly Odd Parents (you really should) what you won’t know is that the Dinklebergs are the serially overachieving parents next door. They are the metaphor for aspiration, greener grass and generally all that is frustrating for our protagonist’s parents. I don’t need you to tell me what I could or should be doing. I appreciate your input, but that job in my life is covered.

This also includes correcting mistakes in blog posts. I appreciate your attention to task but if those mistakes exist I will eventually correct them myself and if I don’t that’s my issue and nobody else’s. This has become a Red Flag for me in the past six months, especially if you choose to do it publicly. You may well be acting with the best intentions at heart, but honestly, I’m on it.

RULE 2:

No, it really isn’t. You let me rant. I know, it’s what you really hate about me as a Blogger. It’s what annoys you as a Twitter user: why can’t she be like all the other sensible commentators on social media, and not resort to swearing AND ALL THOSE CAPITAL LETTERS. I dunno if you’ve noticed, but the World is on fire. All those people who aren’t acting like me really don’t get it.

You also don’t get the right to tell me to be quiet on my own platforms. Sorry, but there are rules here too: abusing writers when they don’t say what you want them to… not one of them. I’ve done all that shit with the Warcraft Community and nope, not happening again, not ever. If you’d like to know the people you’re still following on Twitter responsible for that abuse, I’ll happily provide it. My spaces means my rules.

RULE 3:

If I posted it to be controversial, I KNOW.

No REALLY, I’m a big girl. Let me die on this hill alone. If you support me, a simple quote-retweet onto your feed is great. If you hijack me for your own nefarious gain I will block you. Just watch me. You wanna be an ally? Appropriation is NOT support.

RULE 4:
Press the Right Button

Why does it need to be said? Because it ALWAYS needs to be said. Daily.

RULE 5:

It feels almost crass to say this, but if you spend all your fucking time telling me how much you personally support my causes, and what I’m trying to achieve and then won’t actually support me now that is an option? You don’t care. I am IMMENSELY grateful right now to every single person who grants me a pledge on Patreon. Several do so when I know they can’t realistically afford to, which is even more amazeballs.

One has gone so far as to supporting me away from Patreon which they object to on principle. This is utterly fantastic, and you can absolutely guarantee that when I make it to the big stage they will be publicly and repeatedly thanked by name. The fact remains, stop promising me you’ll help and support me when you won’t. Either come up with the goods or get the fuck out of my mentions.


If you’ve read this and think this is a personal attack? Congratulations, you’re part of the problem. If you read this and think that maybe you could do better? I absolutely guarantee you can. ABSOLUTELY the best way to support me right now, if it matters, is to become a Patron. I cannot move forward without funding. That’s what Patreon is.

Oh, and if you join my Patron thinking that paying a monthly fee guarantees you special attention? Think again. If you pay me enough I’m obliged to send you a Christmas Card, but everything else is under my rules, my auspice, and absolutely not for negotiation. You wanna be a good ally?

Get a realistic sense of proportion.