3am Eternal


I could be lying here and scheduling this post, but sadly I’m not. It’s 3am and I’m awake. My Fitbit almost gleefully informed me that I’ve had 3 hours and 48 minutes of sleep, before my son helpfully texted me to say he was awake and not to get grumpy if he couldn’t get up in the morning. My daughter appears to be sleeping okay, but if I go to check I’m just as likely to wake her up and honestly, what am I doing? The cherry on the cake was, coming downstairs to check my son hadn’t been lying and playing games, I found the front door wide open, because my husband had been to the garage late before bed and not shut it properly.

This is a throwback I really didn’t either want or need.

Suddenly I’m back with both kids under five, and the inevitable chaos that would accompany one being unwell. Sometimes I thought the other would react in sympathy, and it certainly appears that there’s a bit of this in play at present. It doesn’t help that my son had his second GCSE yesterday, and stress levels appear decidedly higher than normal, or that my daughter has her first formal set of exams coming up at Secondary School. I know how badly this brain reacts under pressure, and I can’t say I blame either of them. It’s a tough call at this point being a parent, because remembering that my parents pretty much just left me to cope at that age is rather sobering. I still crave reassurance even now, as a result of that time. I just have to try and be the best mother I can be.

However, when everyone else can sleep but you can’t? That’s a tough ask.

Normally I’d have gone to Azeroth as a first port of call but the game is in maintenance, so there’s no chance of reliving that part of my life in absentia. I’d also have gone to Zero 7 as music for working but right now, I’m listening to Mia by Paul Oakenfold and I think that this is probably keeping me more awake than is healthy. This isn’t the same as it was before: I have changed, thinks are better in terms of sleeping and finding sanity in the midst of having to cope as a primary carer. The fact both kids come back to me when they’re sick is, I suppose, compliment to the skills I have keeping them safe.

If all else fails, I have now at least saved myself some work in the morning.