I did say I wasn’t going to talk about therapy, and the pressure is off for that because it will now be a further two weeks before we start. Yesterday was aborted after my counsellor had a family emergency, which left a lot of emotional energy with nowhere to go. However, it got dealt with more successfully than has previously been the case. On reflection, it was very much more satisfactory a conclusion than previous occasions. I also wrote a wonderfully angry poem. Need to do more of that.
Everything right now really is a bit shit away from the Internet. Brexit, writing rejections, general stresses and strains… this would absolutely have been the time previously when I’d taken to hiding in computer games to escape reality. Not any more. Today therefore is dealing with all that crap that’s built up over the last few weeks, getting the backlog shunted away, and attempting to at least give the slate a cursory wipe-over, even it it’s impossible to properly clean.
First outstanding issue is already done, and I’m ready to deal with the second. It’ll have to be washed down with copious amounts of tea and a selection of healthy snacks; however… there is a new vice. It’s only small, and incredibly unhealthy, but at this stage in proceedings the fact only one get consumed at a time is a great show of willpower. Needless to say, there will be no falling off the healthy wagon, because of just how much work needs to be done when I do.
In fact, let’s go grab a protein snack and push through the lethargy…
Yesterday I drove to a Westfield that is normally visited by train, because other people doing the work whilst I sit in carriages and write poetry is the preferred method of transport. However, as I took the youngest to see her first movie alone (you should all do it, it’s a rite of passage) she was not keen on anything other than being chauffeur driven… and it was alright. Still prefer trains. Just saying.
Yesterday was also part of a promise to myself to be properly measured for bras for the first time since I began hard bastid weight training. I now wear a 34F bra, except when we get to the land of sports bras where it appears that only a 36 E will do, and I’m not sure entirely why that is, but the lovely lady in John Lewis is spot on. This is the most comfortable bra I have worn in fuck knows how long. There’ll now be a short break to see if Amazon can provide me the same, but cheaper.
[UPDATE: They could.]
Tonight is the start of Back To Back Blaze. The plan, such as it is, will be to try and exceed 80% effort on both nights. Doing this means not looking at screens and so there’s a good chance I’ll do both evenings with glasses off. If I can’t read the totals, it won’t stress me. Then it’s all about concentrating on doing the work and not fixating one the woman next to me running when she would be walking and the CrossFit guy who just never gets tired.
I gotta stop letting other people give me anxiety and just focus on the work.
Okay then, time to be honest.
We are reaching a crossroads in the training regime. I used to kid myself I’d go and ‘run’ at the Gym, but actually it was all HIIT work, no more than 500 meters at a time. Then Blaze came along and suddenly I was forced to run for 3 minutes at a time without a break. That forced a rethink. So now, I try and run a KM at a time, with a break. This is proving quite hard.
The red line there is my heart-rate, which sat steadfastly in the amber zone when flat out and does not appear to be capable of hitting red which is absolutely fine because honestly, I would have hurled. That, today was 1km on, 1km off, and me getting to 800 meters before my lungs pretty much told me to fuck off. I’m not sure how this gets broken, to be honest, other than exhaustion, recovery and then the same again. Building stamina is hateful. Yet, undoubtedly, something has begun to change.
I’ve booked a second Blaze class. Not gonna lie, it is because the teacher made me feel really comfortable, and there’s a definite positive to having someone else teach me other than my PT. My membership supports this so frankly, it’s time to get my money’s worth. If it all works out next week, I’ll reorganise January’s exercise around the change. What needs to happen is more pushing, and less slacking, though considering the number of hours I now do, maybe a bit of slacking can go on over Christmas without getting too stressed.
We’ll have an overview at the end of December, i think.
Not gonna lie, would rather be outside. Instead, BRB, seeing if the first 5k of this project is worth submitting.
I’m not entirely sure, but it does feel as if progress is being made. There was a silent promise at the end of August to wean myself off the scales, and that means I won’t weigh myself until October 1st. It is an incentive to go and work REALLY hard at the Gym, plus eat better than has been the case since the holiday. This far, both are being managed without stress.
Once I’m caught up on writing posts, even though it is blowing a gale out there, there’ll be a trip to do some weights. After THAT, there’s four new poems to insert into my collection for next week’s deadline.
Yeah, this is working.
June will soon be over. I need to start planning a Fanzine next month, and finally use some new electronic gizmos. I have two long bike rides to start (and finish) plus a new bike to bed in. Previously, all of this deviation from the norm would be a discomfort, but not now. I’m looking forward to some of it, but not all. There will be a lot of anxiety management, that’s for damn sure.
At the heart of it all, is improvement as a person.