Tears of a Clown

It’s never easy to be honest with yourself, it’s why so many people spend their entire lives refusing to do so. You know someone like this. Maybe today is the day when you go and start a conversation with them and maybe help them talk about what’s bothering them. It doesn’t have to be Mental Health Awareness Week to instigate a change. Any day will do. Except, on this particular Wednesday, why not try summat different. Start a conversation, and maybe potentially change a life.


I didn’t write here yesterday. I need to explain why.

There is a lot of work that needs doing: physically, mentally, intellectually. Normally this would be a nightmare, but that would be the old me talking. The new me has a plan, timelines and precise objectives. It knows what is priority, and how long that will take. It also appreciates that to move forward; intractability is not an option.

Therefore, slowly but surely, the work is being done. We will get fourteen bits of exercise complete in the first seven days of June, just not as evenly as would have been liked, but that can be better organized next week. It means my major poetry project will be first drafted at the end of the day, to be edited next week. It also ensures that everything else, on the list, is written and completed when it is needed.

After that, there are consequences to deal with. This poetry’s disturbed a lot of silt at the bottom of the memory tank: we’ll need to look at what exactly has been unearthed, in time. There are other parts of my life that are quietly poking me, pointing out that they need to be addressed too. There’s still far too much sugar to be healthy.

However, if this is doable for the rest of the month and (all willing) any major disasters can be avoided? Wow, I wanna live like this more. Work gets done, I am happy with it and (crucially) there is creativity of the like I have not previously experienced. This is like writing the poems last year only 100 times more awesome. I am doing the best work possible, and that’s not even close to being hyperbole.

Next up, therefore, I’m launching a proper YouTube Channel, because apparently video is the future, or summat. I dunno, kids today with your Instagram lifestyles… which reminds me, that’s gotta be restarted at some point…

So much to do, always no time.

Morning Has Broken

This morning, I see a remarkable amount of anger.


Right now, everybody’s looking for a fight, and it is abundantly apparent that the media, big business and authority generally does not have a fucking clue what to do about ANYTHING. Rules and acceptable behaviour are, undoubtedly and inexorably beginning to alter. Nobody is safe from criticism, and all that shit you did when you were younger? FUCK YES it’s coming back to haunt you.

The future is simultaneously frightening and funny, all at once.

Change however, is best when it first comes from within. In fact, never was the concept of ‘begin with yourself’ more apposite than it is right now: if everybody picked up their own litter and considered the consequences of packaging, I doubt we’d be in half the trouble that is currently the case… but that train has sailed. So, it is time to do the best that can be achieved, and to be realistic over future choices.

This elephant’s existed in the Gaming room for years, and now it is time to see whether Government decides to flex it’s muscles over corporate greed or not. Pretty much all of my enjoyment in playing certain games has been destroyed over the concept of a dice roll every time anything important had to be obtained. That’s not about to change any time soon, not looking at the previews.

Then comes the irony of people championing this ‘Classic’ version of a game that still requires you to log into the same company’s online websites, and pay money to play. The idea that somehow this is a better, more liberating form of game-play remains a lie, yet increasing numbers of people seem to believe they’re the ones exacting some kind of existential revenge on the company. You’re really not.

You’re just providing market research into what to develop in the future.


When I’ve written this, and finished the laundry, it’s time for a nice long walk somewhere, anywhere but a screen, because too much of life these days is tied to this position and whilst the weather is good, I need to be outside: not just for my mental health, but to prove a point. Evolution begins with me: breaking the long-term habits that become destructive, providing a healthy balance in all things.

Then, I need to start fixing the underlying issues that still need work, to allow proper, distinct improvement in the areas of my life which remain very much lacking.